Loyalty & Enemies.

November 3, 2023

Enemies are bullshit. Loyalty isn’t what you think it is.

Let me Explain.. (brave my scattered thoughts if you will)

There’s an interesting take on loyalty that surrounds us as humans. Much of the time it’s a “me vs. them” mentality. Loyalty in Websters Dictionary states; a strong feeling of support or allegiance. In other words, allegiance to me or to thee; loyalty or allegiance to one person or one thing, a line in the sand, “have to’s” and “can’t do’s”. I don’t think that loyalty, in the way Websters explains it, always works. In fact, much of the time it doesn’t.

Why don’t I buy into it?

Maybe because I don’t like the lines. Maybe because it feels negative. It feels anything but free to me, truly. At least that version of loyalty does.

I don’t believe in Enemies. I think enemies have been portrayed to be something that most everyone has to have in life. Why? Allegiance. Loyalty. By THEIR terms, whoever “they” are. We’ve been pitched that having enemies is necessary, and even honorable, which is so weird.

Evil and wicked vs. just and righteous.

Wrong and right. Good and bad.

One or the other, no in between, very black or white.

I believe things either work for you, for people, for the betterment of all- or they don’t. Not because of “right” or “wrong” and not because someone is “evil” or “bad”. I don’t necessarily believe that evil, wicked and dark are all that people say they are, truthfully. I fully believe that life happens for me, and if so, everyone is a part of that. If they are the darkness for a part of my life, then that’s what they are, and same with those who are the sunshine.

Wars, fighting, killing, stealing and similar things, just don’t work. Are the people doing these things inherently evil? I don’t believe so. Much of the time, for each group, culture, religion, region or whoever is taking and killing at their play, they’re just doing what they believe they “should” do. That’s part of the reason why loyalty in todays definition, just doesn’t work for me.

When in doubt.. take the Greeks word for it.

I tend to lean on the words of the Greeks for better meaning. Loyalty in Greek leads back to;

“Faith, Belief, Trust, Attachment, Conviction..”

So maybe.. it has far more to do with Trust, than it ever did for what the word Loyal stands for today.

Faith = complete trust or confidence in someone or something

Belief = trust, faith, or confidence in someone or something

Conviction = a firmly held belief or opinion; firmly convinced of what one believes

Feel free to double check my work there friends.. loyalty has everything to do with trust and very little to do with allegiance. I’m gonna go into deeper detail on trust later, first allow me to jump back into enemies.

Why do we actually need enemies?

Nowadays enemies are looked at as some type of badge of honor to have. “If you have enemies, you’re doing something right”, or the notion that “if you don’t have enemies, you’re not strong enough in your stance.”

No. I super disagree. Why?

There’s a massive difference in having people that don’t like you, or that don’t trust you (and vice versa) and that of having an enemy.

Have people that disagree with you? GREAT! Have people that don’t like what you’re doing? GREAT! They’re uncomfortable with the way life happens for you? AWESOME! That’s probably your part to play for them anyway. Everyone needs button pushers. I have plenty of both of those in my life but they’re not my enemies. Do they see me as theirs? Probably. They’ve been told they need them, so I have fit the bill for some. For me, I don’t have enemies.

“BUT YOU HAVE TO HAVE ENEMIES IF YOU STAND FOR SOMETHING IN LIFE…”

Bullshit.

What that says to me is that you’ve done a poor job of confronting issues. (And maybe they have). You mean to tell me you have a bunch of enemies and people who have wronged you, said poorly of you, cheated you and you’ve never confronted the issue? Maybe not even for them, but what about for you? How come the same thing keeps showing up over and over again? What is it that you actually believe about yourself that allows that kind of stuff to happen? Maybe they were never the enemy.. maybe there’s something you’re missing. Something you could heal from and move on from. Maybe.

You could argue that anger and blame is helpful. That I agree with to an extent. All emotions serve us and anger definitely does. Someone else's actions in life, can trigger us enough to get us moving or pushing toward a goal. I can agree with that. Having them as an enemy and blaming them though? Nahhh.. Blame serves its purpose, it helps draw the full picture and allows you to account for the entire story, but pitching them as a villain isn’t helpful longterm.

Enemy talk is a mindset that’s too situated on black or white. It’s fearful talk.

In fact, all I hear when I hear enemy talk is “I’ve been hurt by someone and I’m afraid to confront them or afraid I’m less than because of what has happened.” Labeling them as just an enemy is a lovely scapegoat that allows people to avoid what is. That is actually the reason most people don’t believe in the possibility of world peace. Having enemies isn’t actually justified, it’s just easier most of the time. (At least so we think).

Have they done some really shitty things? Yep, likely. Have you done shitty things? Yep, likely. Are they unhealed? Probably. Are you? Probably.

Enemies? Very unlikely.

The saying “everyone has their stuff” or “everyone has their demons to battle” yep, I agree with that. But it’s YOUR DEMONS you’re battling, not your “enemy.”

You only feel you have to be enemies because someone once told you you had to, or exemplified it while you were a younger version of you. As a kid there were no enemies. You wanted to be everyones friend, then something happened. Suddenly you had enemies. Much of the time, it’s when someone said that you just couldn’t befriend them anymore or shouldn’t.

When I was younger I wanted to be the very best of everything. Until my dad said that soccer was for girls.. (lol) then soccer became an enemy. One of my uncles had this cool Dallas Cowboys jersey and I wanted one, pretty much because it was white and blue with stars, America Baby! That was until my dad said “we hate the cowboys” then suddenly.. another enemy. Ironically I married Taylor, who’s entire family has loved and played soccer even through college and all live in Dallas, where they worship the cowboys. Kinda funny. For years I looked at both of those things as something that wasn’t ok. Even introverts, I used to think that being introverted was a bad thing, not natural and just something lazy people acted like. Why? Because I was taught that. Modeled that.

Everyone was for everyone, until they weren’t. They were hurt, abandoned, rejected, abused, misused, or betrayed, and instead of being taught about trust, how we use it and who to trust, we just decided “i’m not their friend” or maybe, “they are now our enemy”. I’m sure there are times in your life when you would never want to trust anyone again, but man I have so many experiences where friends betrayed me or abandoned me and then I decided, yep, I’m the enemy or they’re the enemy and that’s just what it’s going to be. Usually because an outside source stated it or modeled it that way.

There’s a famous quote by Aristotle that says: “a friend to all is a friend to none”

Here’s why I agree with the statement and disagree with the context most commonly used.

Aristotles context was built on the fact that “Good friends are far less common” and reveled in quality over quantity as far as friendship is concerned. Sure, fully agree with that. There’s not a lot of people I can be my absolute authentic self, without hurting their feelings and I personally can’t and don’t trust all of my friends. I can’t even fully trust my own flesh and blood with absolutely everything much of the time.

Someone who is a friend to all, being a friend to none? Interesting. What about Buddha? Ghandi? Jesus? They chose to hang with only those open to their words, but there is no context that ever is shared of their hatred or of them having personal enemies. Buddha had people after him, but he was never against anyone. Ghandi had no enemies but only people who disagreed in his philosophy. Like I said earlier, having others feel uncomfortable with the way you do life is one thing, but an enemy? No. My favorite of the 3 listed, Jesus, had no enemies either. He said to even bless your “enemies” and wish them well.

Well shit.. That sounds a lot like a friend to me. Maybe not a full trusted friend.. but a friend to me is someone who is kind, someone who wishes no bad on you and only wants good for you. They don’t have to agree with you either. Some of my favorite and best friends I have, feel completely different about subjects I’m passionate about. It’s some of my favorite relationships I have because they press on sensitive subjects and help me see things far differently than I would on my own.

So, enemies are bullshit in my opinion. It’s justified pain. And for now, maybe that’s ok for you. Like I said, I support the anger to help you in whatever way you need it to. I played the provers role for a long time and it helped me tremendously in sports, in finances, in dating, in learning, until it didn’t. It serves its purpose and I assume it’ll do that for you and yours too, until it doesn't. (I trust you’ll take care of yourself.)

What about Loyalty?

Here’s what I truly believe about Loyalty.. or the new version of loyalty we talked about in the beginning of this, AKA trust.

I have plenty of friends that others do not like, don’t trust, don’t agree with their viewpoints. I’m friends with all walks of life.

God fearing, God loving, atheist, agnostic, religious, right wing, left wing, jewish, christian, black, white, asian, hispanic, wild, collected, friendly, passive, sharp, mean, brutal, vegan, meat eating, pro-war, anti-war and all the in between.

How do you stay friends with someone that isn’t liked or trusted by others? That even may be seen as an enemy of theirs? I get this question about other friends I have all the time, because they look at it as “I’ve been hurt by this person and you’re befriending them, you must not get it, or don’t care about me.” Abandoning one friend because of another creates more pain. You could do that or you could stick to the one thing that actually keeps friendships safe:

Loyalty.

What I believe Loyalty actually is, is being loyal to their feelings, their emotions, and keeping their vulnerabilities between you two. Not allegiance, but loyalty, in the way of trust. Whenever someone confides in me (or trusts me with anything) I keep that between us. Their stories, their pains, and their vulnerabilities - that’s not for anyone else but me. If someone has things to say about another person that I’m friends with? It’s not about me.. it’s not about you. In that moment it’s for them. There are times to help people see a different side and there are times to let them be heard. Everyone needs a friend to complain to, to make sense of things, and to get the pain out.

Loyalty is not stopping them and saying “hey you asshole that’s my friend!” It’s not using anyones vulnerabilities against them. Weaponizing ones vulnerability is disloyal. Loyalty is holding that. It’s keeping trust. When others share, are they trying to persuade you? Maybe. Are they needing to be heard? Most likely.

Here’s the hard truth.

Some people won’t trust you to be loyal when faced with crossing friendships with their supposed enemies. Some don’t trust me to keep my loyalty. That’s ok. That’s their trust and not mine. Let me say that more clearly.. if someone doesn’t trust you to hold your loyalty in a friendship, that is most likely their own trust issues and has little to do with what you’ve done or said that would show that you are untrustworthy. For me, I trust me to stay loyal. I trust me to be loyal. That’s who trust is for in the first place, yourself. Trust that YOU can handle whatever happens. So if someone doesn't trust you to be a friend to other people they aren’t comfortable with, that has everything to do with their own trust wounds and pains.

One example I have of safety in sharing this way, is the way I have done this with trusted mentors and even therapists or coaches about my wife. We both have done this. We didn’t share to get them on our side, we shared to be heard, to see what we couldn’t see and to make the situation we were in better. They don’t take sides because that’s not the point of it. But what if we did that with everyone? What if we could just be an empathetic witness and not a constant rival of life? Would that not solve most issues people face as far as “enemies” are concerned?

The real reason people have enemies is because someone used their vulnerabilities and weaponized them against them. In battle or war, in a home, in friendship, in sports, or in the workplace. That’s where enemies are born for people. Are they really enemies though? No, probably just an unhealed part of themselves, a piece they don’t trust about themselves. This is where “the assholes” are born in our stories.

Years ago one of my best friends told me “people are always doing the best they can possibly do” with which I came back with, No, they aren’t, they can always do better.

He said, “with where people are, what they’re conditioned with, what they’ve been taught, their beliefs, where they are emotionally, spiritually, physically, mentally, and financially, they are doing their absolute best in the moment. For themselves and for others. They’re doing the best they could with what they have.”

And the truth is, they are. We all are. If anyone could do better, they would.

I’ve been a disloyal friend in the past. I’ve hurt people and betrayed trust. If I could dedicate a song to all those who’ve felt betrayed by me for sharing things I never should have, it would be Reuben Stoddards song Sorry 2004, 100%. (If you don’t know it, you do now and you’re welcome.)

I’ve grown. I’ve learned. I’ve leveled up in friendship, and I’m continuing to do so. The only “enemies” I’ve really had in life are cars… lol, and I’m getting better at controlling my anger toward others while I’m driving.. but still there are a lot of MF’s and SOB’s out on the road for me. They’re still not my “enemies”, just a great reflection of my impatience in life and my own expectation of where I feel I need to be or should be.

I digress.. Truth is as far as friendship goes, I’ve learned true loyalty. I will never use someones trust to betray them. I do not share what’s been confided. I don’t use someones vulnerabilities against them. Never. I do mediate at times, I do help people work through issues and shine light on things they may not see, sure, but I don’t take ones vulnerabilities in private or public and share things that weren’t meant to be.

Some of that is thanks to the last 7 years of coaching work I’ve done with people. Some of that is thanks to my lovely ADD and some of that is thanks to the learning I’ve had over the last years and just growing up, thankfully. Mostly because I believe in being a good friend. No matter. Friendship to me is different than probably most of the world would see it. I may not invest time with everyone, I may not trust everyone, but it’s easy to be a friend and wish someone well for me.

Again, I don’t trust absolutely everyone. I don’t believe that’s a safe route.. it’s also not a safe route to not trust anyone. Both sides of that coin are painful. I’ve tried both and you lose out on both.

Trust is for you. It’s about you. Who you share that trust with and build that trust with is your business.

My advice?

Be loyal. The Greeks way of loyalty. Aristotle probably viewed loyalty similarly. He was a pretty smart dude. (He happened to be Greek)..

Don’t use peoples vulnerabilities against them. When you speak with others and they say things about those you love and care for, it’s ok to hold space for someone who’s hurt. Joining in will only cause more pain. When the time comes to shine light on a subject and potentially shift a viewpoint, it’ll present itself. Stay patient. If it does and when it does, take a deep breathe and share some perspective.

In the words of Thomas S. Monson; “It’s more important for a person to be loved, than a problem to be solved.” One of my all time favorite quotes. Allow love to play it's role.

Love is for everyone. Trust might not be. I’ll let you determine where those fall for you.

Enemies aren’t real. It’s not a badge of honor. No one gets a trophy for the most enemies. Stand for your truth, allow them to stand for theirs. What needs to be sorted, will be. You aren’t for everyone, the same that everyone isn’t for you. That’s more along the lines that Aristotle was speaking to anyway.. if you’re people pleasing your way through life, it can ruin trust. People want to hear the truth, not just what you think they want to hear.

There’s a difference in people pleasing and being a friend to many. You can’t make everyone happy. That’s gotta be ok my friends. I have plenty of people who are not cool with the way I do life, that’s completely fine with me. It used to bum me out a lot, but the truth of it is, it’s so freeing to finally not be showing up that way. Be upfront and honest. You deserve to feel free in being who you want to be. Others need your authenticity and your friendship as well.

You’ve got this.

If there’s anyway I can support you in your pain, in your healing journey, in finding peace, in repairing relationships, I’ve got your back. Why? Because I’m your “Friend.” Because I give a shit. It’s why I love coaching and helping.

Also, this is just the first of “Sobering Thoughts” I’ll be sharing.. So feel free to share your thoughts with me. I’d love to hear them. Agreements and disagreements welcome.

Love you all.

-CMB